conversations with my ex

Me: I swear, if it weren't for the garnishes in my drinks, I would probably have a vitamin deficiency.

Tim: Yes, it's a good thing you're getting all those vitamins, giving your skin that lifelike glow.

Me: I'm not completely gross; I can run 2.68 miles. How far can you run, jackass?

Tim: A lady never tells.

...

Me: If you have something bad to tell me, you should tell me now. I'm drinking, eating Easter candy, and watching Conan. I will never be in a better mood than right now.

Tim: Even better than that time we did the thing you really like? You know, broke up?