Co-worker: Wouldn’t it be faster to just make a friend?
The Whole Foods near my work is so clean, I have eaten food I found on the floor while shopping.
My friend was late to pick me up this morning, but he brought me some mood stabilizers so I literally can't stay mad at him.
If I owned a gun, I would definitely try to kill a spider by shooting it.
I spent last weekend at Great Wolf Lodge, easily the most fun I’ve ever had at a hotel. We accidentally booked the “accessible” suite, which is just a nice way of saying “grab rails on every vertical surface and a phone next to the toilet”. Also, extra-wide doorways, which wasn’t a bad thing given that my travel companion is legally blind without his glasses.