Monday, April 30, 2018

Pants!

A few weeks ago (several years after everyone else) I realized that I can buy new pants on Amazon. Given how much I hate shopping for clothes, this feels like a miracle. My new life starts now. And if I could go back in time, I would find myself from a decade ago: kneeling over two pairs of five dollar pants from the Salvation Army, trying to decide which one to cut apart into patches for the other one. “You won't have to live like this forever,” I’ll tell her.

So here I am, wearing my twenty dollar pants, which don’t fit at all. Whatever version of the inch they used, it’s huge. That’s ok! Amazon sells belts too.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

technically a Millenial

I make an effort to keep up to date with technology, but only in an academic sense. Apparently, reading about the latest technology does not help me use a phone like a regular person. I frequently take pictures (usually "selfies") by mistake when I'm trying to do something else with my phone, and I routinely go through my photo folder to clear out the accidental pictures. It is not an exaggeration to say that I take more pictures by mistake than I do on purpose.

Today I took another selfie by mistake, while I was trying to delete a selfie that I took by mistake. I am a grandma with a cell phone.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Texts from my Ex

Jan. 26
“Butts”

Feb. 2
“BUTTS”

Feb. 14
“Happy Valentines Day. Look at my butte.” [link to photo of rock formation “butte”]

Last week:
“BUUUUTTTTS”

I don't even remember why we broke up. Tim, will you take me back?

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

I'm vaguely aware of him

LinkedIn: Do you know [the brother that I live with]?

me: Do you ever really know a person?

Sunday, December 31, 2017

year end confessions

-I paid for, downloaded, and listened to a Pitbull song.

-last night I was out in the cold, and without any other option at the time, blew my nose in my mitten.

-one night when I couldn't sleep, I poured Nyquil over ice cream and ate it like a sundae.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Seasons Greetings?

boss: Hey, it's almost December.

me: Yeah, time to start coasting.

boss: I prefer to think of it as a "controlled descent".

...

boss: I'm going out for lunch, Starbucks, to poop, and to get your Christmas present. Back in a bit.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Happy Halloween

I dressed up as a cow for work today. It was fun, and I got to wear a hood as part of the costume, which is a rarely acceptable solution for bed head. My hair seems to have reached an awkward length, at which bed head is both chronic and severe. In the past week I have received snark from three separate co-workers (“with bed head like that, maybe you should just call in sick!”), forcing me to resort to a hair contingency plan I call “The Maddow”.

The cow costume went over well with my co-workers, especially with my well-timed entrance to the lunch room, just as the delivery man arrived with a cart full of milk and coffee creamer. “Thank God you’re here!” I announced (I’m sure I could have said almost anything and it would have been hilarious).

So now I have a zip-up cow onesie, which I plan on wearing regularly around the house. More than one co-worker asked if it was actually my pyjamas, re-purposed as a Halloween costume, so that should give you an idea of how much dignity I convey in the workplace (see above, re: bed head). In fact, these people could not be more wrong, because the opposite is true. It is a Halloween costume, re-purposed as pyjamas.