dental procedure

me: How much tooth am I swallowing?

dentist: We're suctioning, so you shouldn't be swallowing any.

me: Good! I've got a big meal waiting for me at home, and I don't want to fill up on teeth.

If they could understand me, I'm sure they would have found it hilarious.

The Maglite

When I was a child, my father told me, "If there's ever an intruder, if you're ever in danger, grab a Maglite. It's heavy; you can use it as a weapon."

One Friday evening, he made a Hitchcock reference, which went over my head. He then asked, "Wait, have you never seen a Hitchcock movie? Do you know who Alfred Hitchcock is?"

I told him I had never heard of this person.

He said, "Well it's Friday, you're allowed to watch movies. Wait, I'll be right back."

And he returned with a stack of horror films. He handed them to me, saying, "I'm not sure where your brothers are, but they should be home soon. Anyway, I've got a job in Port Hardy so I've got to be going. See you on Monday."

I watched those horror movies alone, in that big empty house. My brothers came home and found me slumped over in a corner, clutching a Maglite. 

doctor's orders

my doctor: I think it's time for you to go back to the hospital. And it wont be so bad, you'll meet people who have the same problems as you. People who are like you.

me: Meet people like me? This doesn't sound very enticing.

She then prescribed me a drug that's supposed to boost self-esteem.

dental confusion

For the back-story, I've had a few teeth removed over the past three decades. Now, onto the conversation with my brother.

me: I had surgery done on my jaw, and I couldn't talk for a couple of days.

brother (in a very hopeful voice): What kind of surgery? Did they ...add some teeth?

someone please kill me

The worst part about throwing up after jaw surgery, is throwing up after jaw surgery.

office space

We have a mostly vacant office at work. I put a box of tissues in it, and then told a co-worker, "Hey, I restocked the tissues in that office. It can be our designated crying room!"

And she immediately responded, "Oh, I keep a little box on my desk so I can just cry right here."

I've known this woman for 8 years, and I'm still not sure if she was joking or not.