I might be a little bit inbred.

My mother had over a hundred cousins. They reproduced like Mormons, because they are Mormons. She once told me, "I have cousins I've never even met". I thought, "or ...have you? Because that would explain a lot." Mostly the inbreeding.

Popcorn

My family is serious about popcorn. We went camping, and tried Jiffy Pop once. We were collectively unimpressed. So every summer after that, along with our regular camping gear, dad brought a diesel-powered generator. We used it just to run our hot air corn popper.

Priorities.

reputation

doctor: It's been noted in your file that you make jokes at inappropriate moments.

me: Really? Who said that?

doctor (flatly): It was mentioned by multiple doctors.

my doctor kept me waiting

doctor: Sorry for being late.

me: How dare you.

doctor: Sarcasm is intact.

Ew.

My brother's wife has him saved in her contacts as "Dreamboat".

My brother. Dreamboat

So anyway, can you die from barfing?

People hate drummers?

I was having coffee with some friends, and someone came with a guitar. They asked the group is anyone else plays a musical instrument, so I said I play the drums.

friend: Drummers are just the worst.

me: Hey, what did I do?

other friend: Yeah, my son plays the drums!

me: What a piece of shit.

economic downturn

More and more people are living in their cars, which is bad. But, they can save a lot of money by bundling their home and auto insurance.