Ew.

My brother's wife has him saved in her contacts as "Dreamboat".

My brother. Dreamboat

So anyway, can you die from barfing?

People hate drummers?

I was having coffee with some friends, and someone came with a guitar. They asked the group is anyone else plays a musical instrument, so I said I play the drums.

friend: Drummers are just the worst.

me: Hey, what did I do?

other friend: Yeah, my son plays the drums!

me: What a piece of shit.

economic downturn

More and more people are living in their cars, which is bad. But, they can save a lot of money by bundling their home and auto insurance.

a problem for future me

Thanks to generations of careful inbreeding, my upper jaw is a total disaster. I'm halfway through life, and at this point my only goal is to make it to the finish line at roughly at same time as my last few molars. Recently, my dentist proposed a procedure which might save two of them.

dentist: If we do this, you could preserve those two for another thirty years.

me: What happens after thirty years?

dentist: I don't know. I'll be dead.

this haunts me

Mouta's brother once, while visiting Canada from China, bought macaroni salad at Walmart and microwaved it. And then he ate it.

nicknames

Back when I was in my twenties, living in a cockroach infested house with some guys, I gave myself an unfortunate nickname. One of my roommates was doing a school project that required him to collect a large quantity of expired condoms.

He came home and plopped a bag of condoms on the kitchen table, and announced, "These are all expired, so don't try to use them."

Then he looked right at me.

"Why did you look at me?" I asked.

"I didn't! I looked at everyone, I just looked at you at the end."

"What am I, some kind of turbo slut? Like I can't keep my grubby hands off your pile of expired condoms?"


And for the rest of the year, everyone called me 'Turbo Slut'.

my dream scenario

This has to happen organically. I want someone to toss something to me, but aim poorly, and have the item hit my groin region. Then I shout, "Ow! Right in the nuts!"