Etiquette

 We had a book, written by Amy Vanderbilt.

Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Guide to Etiquette.

Our father used to read out loud to us, from the book. We all laughed, including dad. And we learned nothing about etiquette.

That's my dad.

Fist fights were a regular occurrence in my childhood home. One time, my brother had me by my shirt collar, repeatedly punching me in the face. He was a lot bigger than me, and I couldn't get away. Our father walked into the kitchen, saw James punching me in the face (my face was already bloody), and said, "What are you doing?? Put up your hands! Block him!"

He didn't stop my brother from hitting me, but he did yell at me for not protecting myself.

hair

I have literally never combed my hair. Last week, a nurse did it for me. First, she handed me a comb, and I looked at it, then asked her, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

She took it from me, and combed my hair. She made me look like a young King Charles.

There's a giant hole in my mattress.

Mouta has complained about that mattress for years. He said, "every time we move a little, I can hear all the springs!"

Well that's why I bought the white noise generator! You just have to crank it up. So it overpowers the noises coming from the mattress.

I've had that mattress for most of my adult life, and I'm kind of proud of the amount of milage I've gotten out of that thing.

Conclusion: the mattress stays, and the white noise generator can go up ten more percent.

I might be a little bit inbred.

My mother had over a hundred cousins. They reproduced like Mormons, because they are Mormons. She once told me, "I have cousins I've never even met". I thought, "or ...have you? Because that would explain a lot." Mostly the inbreeding.

Popcorn

My family is serious about popcorn. We went camping, and tried Jiffy Pop once. We were collectively unimpressed. So every summer after that, along with our regular camping gear, dad brought a diesel-powered generator. We used it just to run our hot air corn popper.

Priorities.

reputation

doctor: It's been noted in your file that you make jokes at inappropriate moments.

me: Really? Who said that?

doctor (flatly): It was mentioned by multiple doctors.