goddammit

I'm applying for a job, and they want to see my diploma. Nobody has ever asked to see my diploma before. I don't even know where it is! The last time I remember seeing it, was immediately after receiving it, when I was folding a diploma pirate hat -to be clear, I'm not a total moron; I folded a photocopy. But that was the last time I remember seeing it.

So I spent over an hour unearthing old boxes from the storage area under the stairs. Holy crap do I need to get rid of stuff. Anyway, success, I finally see the fancy embossed folder from my university. And my diploma has been partially eaten by silverfish.

this was awkward

I have had the profound displeasure of explaining to a family member that saying, "we're taking our food in a doggy bag" is absolutely not equivalent to saying "we're taking it doggy-style".

reminder: I was never cool.

me: My brother purposely ruined my favourite calculator when I was a child. I don't think I ever quite got over it.

friend: You had a favourite calculator as a child?

me: You're focusing on the wrong part of the story.

For real though, it was a discontinued Casio.

breakfast

For breakfast I only had drink garnishes. In my defence, it was mostly fruit.

the noose, part deux

I told my brother the noose story. When I finished, he didn't seem amused. He said, "Yeah, dad taught me how to tie a noose too. Actually, he taught us all how to tie nooses."

Dammit. Is this a reverse 'Prince of Tides' situation?

You've always been my least favourite. Anyway, here's how to tie a noose.

Then Dan added, "Hey, at least you prompted your own noose lesson. He just barged into my room one day with a piece of rope."

(I still know how to tie a noose; it is unfortunately elegant in it's simplicity.)

party on

The highlight of last weekend was a free concert at the park. In particular, the moment when a musician on the stage introduced a song with, "This next song is about living with anxiety."

And a single, very loud audience member went, "WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

reputation

My high school physics teacher semi-retired, and then helped run his daughter's business. His daughter had opened a restaurant, and he worked there as a waiter. My father took us to the restaurant, and it was weird being served by our former teacher.

My father asked him, "So which one of my kids, specifically, made you leave the education profession and enter the service industry?"

He laughed, and said, "Oh, I'm just here to help my daughter. It's a family restaurant."

My father said, "It was Dan. Just say it was Dan. We all know it was Dan."