man cave

My father has a man cave. I told him I was envious. I wish I had a man cave! He said, "I'm pretty sure you live in one."

firewood

In my childhood neighbourhood (sidebar: we moved three times without leaving that neighbourhood), we had a really nice neighbour, Mr. Swan. He lived next door -kind of; I grew up in a rural area, and "next door" meant at least a kilometer away. A tree blew over on his property, and he donated it to us because our house was heated by a wood stove.

It was a lot of work to chop up the tree. Fortunately, my father got his kids to do it.

It was a cottonwood tree. Total crap firewood. Call us when a cedar tree blows over.

Daylight Savings Time

I wonder if Flava Flav has finished updating the time on all of his clocks.

texting with my brother

him: I have a gift for you. I neither picked it out, nor paid for it.

me: Your lack of enthusiasm is the greatest gift of all.

my medical file

doctor: It says in your file that you're gay.

me: That's in my file? You keep track of that? Why is it even important? I've dated men and women. And sometimes both at once. A while ago. Briefly. It was a short-term thing. And they knew about each other.

I'm thinking, "Goddamn. Keep it together, Thea."

doctor: So, anyway. There's no chance that you're pregnant? Because the drugs we're giving you could be a problem if you are.

scratch offs

When I was a little kid, a family friend who didn't understand our religious background bought us all lottery tickets. They were gifts. My mother saw us kids scratching off lottery tickets, and tried to find an expression between "horrified" and "grateful".

dinner

My father made a nice dinner. We had a guest over. Dad served enchiladas.

The guest took a few bites, and then said, "Oh, I just got something hard."

Dad ruined the meal by asking, "Toenail clipping hard?"

Another time, my father made clam chowder. He didn't care about my seafood allergy -he just wasn't a fan. He lit two candles on the kitchen table, and we all sat down to eat.

I asked, with my mouth full, "What's in this?"

One of my brothers had to translate for us.

Dad started with, "Well, clams. And there's ..."

I spat out the soup. Actually I spewed it out. And in doing so, I extinguished both candles.