Conversations with my ex

 me: All the stores within walking distance are a gong show, and they're always sold out of what I need. I really wanted eggnog and rum today.

Tim: I'm really grateful my little corner store is still open. They're never busy, and always fully stocked. I also have rum at my place.

me: You're not helping.

Tim: just sayin'. You must be feeling preeeeety dumb for breaking up with me, a man who has rum and nog access.

...

Tim: My shrimps aren't breeding, which is frustrating.

me: Two words, Tim. Shrimp. Porn. Obviously the hard part will be finding an adapter to plug in their tiny shrimp television.

Tim: On that note, my snails are fucking constantly. To the point where it is making me uncomfortable.