we're all such big fans of the caddies

me: so I'm going to see a Mad Caddies show in November.

mom: that's great.

me: yeah, I've always wanted to bone a Caddy, so maybe this is my big chance.

mom: can you get me a t-shirt?

so, how was your evening?

EDU>> p3 = plot(domain,f(domain));

Error using ==> mtimes
Inner matrix dimensions must agree.
Error in ==> @(x)(cos(x)*x-sin(x))/x^2

EDU>> fuck you

Undefined function or method 'fuck' for input arguments of type 'you'.

(near) revenge of the widow

My dorky brother wrote this. Then I copied and pasted it from marijuana.com into my blog.

Today, they nearly got their revenge. I opened the fridge, only to be startled by a black widow falling off the door handle (immediately next to my hand). I recovered my wits after a second and grasped the situation. I was not bitten, but the danger was still grave. My roommate was walking by me to get a glass of water, so I shouted a warning to him ("Gawaaaarghh!" while pointing) but it was too late. As he walked by the spider, its single web (widows usually drop with an "escape line") caught his foot, and the spider was dragged quickly behind him. For a second, it seemed to both of us that the black widow had exhibited amazing alacrity and attempted a "lunge sting" which I understand is a very popular move among spiders trained in the deadly arts.

My roommate was alert to the situation and he quickly shook the dazed spider and its web off his sock, and ran to the front entrance, where we keep a broken mop handle hanging on the wall. We had anticipated such a breach of the perimeter. The mop handle dealt the spider no less than 5 blows before we could confirm the kill. It was at this point that I lowered myself from the counter-top.

"Spider-bane" being returned to her spot on the wall, we took note to be more careful not to leave the front screen door open. Winter is coming, which means we will have to enforce a strict "no immigrant" policy to avoid strained domestic politics.


critique: While entertaining and stirring, "(Near) Revenge of the Widow" fails to deliver the excitement we've come to expect from the author of "Attack of the Killer Robot Zombies". In the future, Mr. MacPhearsome would do well to remember where his strengths lie: in science fiction thrillers.
-his sister

a retarded conversation with Tim at 2am

me: I hate Matlab.
Tim: hey, Matlab is fine. Its YOU that is programmed wrong. Matlab has been complaining all night about how you aren't user-friendly.
me: at least I'm really enjoying this beaver soda
Tim: Are you trying to say something sexual?
me: Beaver Soda. It's a thing you can buy.
Tim: frankly, it sounds made up.
me: www.beaversoda.com
Tim: this sure is an elaborate lie your're perpetuating with the fake website and all.
me: I stayed up to 1:30 making that website
Tim: it is quite good.
me: it's all MS Paint.
Tim: i have always admired your attention to detail. And your breasts.
me: they're totally photoshopped.

I'm in my station wagon, noticing that you've put on a lot of weight this year

My mother recently ended an email with 'lolmom'. I'm going to assume that she meant to put a space and some punctuation in the middle of that, and try not to think about a very terrible potential internet meme.